


On Sociability

by Nightglade (Judy_The_Dreamer)



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, F/M, Gen, Renegade Commander Shepard, Torfan, introspective, soo much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-18
Updated: 2017-01-19
Packaged: 2018-09-18 09:06:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9377864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Judy_The_Dreamer/pseuds/Nightglade
Summary: Torfan left a lasting impression on Lillian Shephard. Now she has let it shape her relationships.Collection of my Mass Effect drabbles focusing on Renegade Lillian Shephard.





	1. The Morgue Next Door (Pre-ME1)

**Author's Note:**

> Just a few quick drabbles that shaped themselves during my first playthrough of the Mass Effect games. Probably more to come soon!

Sometime in the cold, dark nights after Torfan a thought had snuck into Lillian's head and refused to leave. It had nothing to do with the impersonality of the med-bay ward or the sterile walls caging her in. No, those did not intimidate her. Yet the thought did.  
She should not have been here alone, Lillian thought. She should have been surrounded by the relieved faces of her squad. Battered, but alive at least. Their bodies curled up in strange positions to aggravate pressure on bruises and wounds like they'd always been after a particularly harrowing mission.  
There was no one else in the secluded med-bay but her, however, and Lillian refused to think any further about the scenes possibly playing themselves out on the other side of the walls. Occasionally the clank of shifting metal plates and the rustling of sheets drifted through. She couldn't help but smell the metallic stench of stale blood as the bodies piled impossibly high in her mind.  
The thought returned so strong that it left her trembling. She'd known those bodies, laughed with them, fought with them, and almost bloody well died with them. Yet she could not say she'd ever truly discovered the people animating them, giving them life and meaning. Duty comes first, Lillian could never deny that simple principle they'd drilled into her from a young age, but now she regretted.


	2. A New Posture (ME1)

Lillian Shephard was known for her brash actions and cold attitude, but never for her mistakes. Throughout the years following Torfan she'd felt that deficiency in perception keenly. Shephard got the job done. That Lillian's conscience still gave a few unescapable pangs from time to time was an unfortunate reality, rather ignored than acknowledged.  
Still, the guilt had steadily spread through Lillian after Torfan, and so what if she'd become less of a hard-ass to her crew afterwards. They were precious things to her now, not so easily replaced as her superiors had made her believe.  
So, when she got her new squad together, Lillian found it more than logical that she would not only guide them with a firm hand in the field, but she'd also made sure to stop by for a chat during their downtime. This time she'd learn these people, their habits, their likes and dislikes, compiling a tiny encyclopedia in her thoughts. Hopefully she'd be rewarded with their affection somewhere along the way.  
In ways it made Virmire worse and in others better. Because although she and Ashley had never truly seen eye to eye, she had at least things to remember her by. Angry memories mostly, but silly, happy ones too. It made the Ash-shaped hole in her squad gape all the more.   
The guilt became more pressing. Not even Kaidan's ´hushed whispers in the night could convince her she'd done her best. Lillian never told him she suspected she would lose him too.


	3. Blood on the Floor (ME2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last one for now. Might post again at the end of the week.

Even hours after the confrontation on Omega, the sight of blue blood gushing onto the floor tiles still made her heart seize up in her chest. Fingers fluttering nervously over the disassembled parts of Garrus's sniper rifle, cleaning even the smallest specks of blood away. It was the only thing she could think of that would aid in his recovery. Caring for what he cared for.

Dr. Chakwas had completed surgery little more than an hour ago and had passed through the Crew's quarters on her way to a well-deserved cup of coffee. Though clearly exhausted she'd taken the time to pat Lillian on the shoulder and tried to smile in an assuring manner.

_He'll be fine._

She clung to those words throughout the night, the worry only abated at the first smile that morphed his ravaged face back into the turian she'd held so close to her heart.


End file.
